….Just thinking a lot.
Going to listen to The Xx and James Blake.
late night emotions
spreading like a disease
just waiting to break free
from internal gates
to roam around in visceral loops
on again…off again
chiming in at the worst possible moments
“Am I who I want to be?”
“This is where the momentum shifts.”
late night thoughts
impossible factors making themselves visible
losing touch with what reality has to offer
because its so much easier to run around
in these visceral loops
than to think of ways to become
to form a foundation
made from positive interludes
that try to unchain
the links that bind me
to these late nights
I miss running my tongue down a guy’s spine.
Cupping his cheeks gently.
Kissing his lips with intent.
Biting down because its that good.
I miss letting my hands roam.
Saying “Bend over.”
I miss fucking.
With that being said, I’m making a conscious effort to be more focused on getting in shape and, in general, being healthy. I find myself thinking about portion control, water intake, weightlifting, cardio… all things that have been pretty foreign to me.
I’m realizing that right now, I’m not comfortable with the way I look. I’m not comfortable with my weight. I’m determined to get to a happier state of being and to get to that point, I have to change a lot of terrible habits.
Its been a week since I’ve moved and I have to stay that this is the best feeling in the world.
So, I’m moving to Georgia in a couple of days. To say that I’m excited will be an understatement. There’s so many things that I want to experience and now, I will have the chance to.
But, along with that, I’m a nervous wreck. So many goodbyes, so many hugs, so many memories. 24 years of my life have been in spent in this state. I’m going to miss all of my friends and family like crazy, but new experiences are on the horizon.
I just got finished watching Brokeback Mountain and I cannot seem to shake these overwhelming feelings.
Being someone who used to sneak around with my first guy (and someone that I cared for deeply), the movie touched a spot in my heart. Maybe it was the nostalgia that made it hit home…I don’t know…. I just know that I have a enormous amount of appreciation for that movie.
There was such an unconditional love. That kind of bond cannot ever be broken. I want that kind of connection with someone. I think we all do deep down inside.
It left me with the thought to always go after what my heart really wants. To not let something that has the potential to be great slip between my fingers.
You know, I want a guy. There’s no way I can deny it. I want to be in a relationship so bad. I want someone that I can go to with all my crazy and be accepted. Someone who will just sit there with me while I just get all my feelings, fears, everything out in the open. I want someone who will be able to do the same with me.
A hopeless romantic, that’s what I am, even though I fear that I’ll be alone.